THE 5 HABITS OF SOMEWHAT SUCCESSFULL PEOPLE (or, how to kind of succeed)
My Plan to be the Weird Al Yankovic of Motivational Speakers
I have nearly all the skills needed to be a successful motivational speaker. I could be a great sports broadcaster, too, except for one fatal flaw, which is that I don’t have a full head of hair. Also, I don’t follow sports very closely, but that doesn’t really matter too much as long as I can read the teleprompter. The real issue is the lack of hair. So the next best thing from being a sports broadcaster is to be a motivational speaker. If I really went for it, I could repackage Benjamin Franklin’s ideas and be the best motivational speaker since Benjamin Franklin.
On the other hand, I do need to find my own style. If I’m going to be a motivational speaker, I should find my own niche, based on what I do better than other people. Benjamin Franklin already cornered the market on overachieving. That is why I am considering writing a book on how to kind of succeed.
It all came to me last weekend when I was hanging out in the book store. I was in the self help section (just out of curiosity, of course. Not because I needed it), and I of course realized that were there lots of books that tell you how to help yourself. But I also realized there are books in the business section that basically say exactly the same thing, except that the theme of those books is to tell you how to be a success in the office.
In both cases – self help and business success – They all tell you how to be the best, how to conquer all obstacles, and how to reach your full potential. They are quite clever, with suggestions like “try to get to work on time,” or “compliment people who do things really well.” Still, even though there are two entire sections on how to be the best, there’s not much on how to be mediocre. And that’s when it hit me. The world needs a book that explains how to kind of succeed.
What if you don’t want to be number one, but would much prefer, for example, number three? Three is pretty good, unless there are only three people in the race. But even then, it still sounds good. You just change the subject whenever someone asks how many people were in the race. Then, when they are sufficiently distracted, bring it back to the bronze metal you got. Like this:
You: I got third place in that race.
Them: That’s pretty good, I guess. But how many people were in the race?
You: Hey, did you notice that rhymes? “Third place in that race.”
Them: Um…
You: Clever, right? You see, “race” rhymes with “place.”
Them: Yes, I know.
You: So check out my bronze metal. Should I wear it around my neck, or is that too
flashy? Michael Phelps is a wimp.
So the idea of the book is that plenty of people who hang out at the bookstore reading self help books know how to be the best, or CEO, or top of the heap, or king of the hill, or whatever. But the reason that there aren’t more CEO’s in the world is that, when you get down to it, most people don’t want to be the CEO. Most people actually just want to be happy the majority of the time. And, except for the control freaks, the best way to be happy is to not be famous or in charge of anything. Of course, people won’t admit it, which is why all the best selling self help books and leadership books have titles like “ten ways to get ahead,” or “How to unlock your true potential.” But I think there is a whole different niche out there of people hungry to only kind of succeed.
Sure, if you suddenly appear in the midst of a coffee break of people doing their best not to be noticed, and ask them, “what do you want in life,” they will respond that they are trying to get a promotion or a raise or they want more people to manage or a bigger project to bring to fruition (by the way, that is a great way to convince your boss to extend his deadline. Tell him you need a few more days to bring it to fruition. Sounds much better than “I’ve been on Facebook all day, so there’s no way I can meet that deadline).
But people who are really good at being mediocre know two laws of nature that the rest of us don’t know about: 1) people who earn the biggest salaries are the first to get laid off when there is a budget crisis and 2) the more people you manage, the less likely you are to be invited to happy hour.
The fact is that staying ahead of the pack takes a lot of time and energy. It stresses you out, man! But being a part of the pack? For most people, that is happiness. I’ve got a huge potential market. So here are the five habits.
1. Don’t be the first in the office. Let others turn on the lights and make the coffee
2. Be the first to give an idea during brainstorming. The first idea always gets shot down, so you don’t have to follow through on it, but you get credit for participating. A corollary is that if you are told to do a project, suggest a brainstorming session as the first step.
3. Always know who prefers bagels and who prefers donuts.
4. Get a job with a company that is the right size. It should be a big company, but not too big. If the company is too small, everyone will know who is doing the least work (hopefully you). If the company is too large, there will be a lot of consultants who will sniff you out.
5. Don’t work for the government. The competition to be mediocre is too fierce.
I admit these are more like guidelines. Plus, I’m still working out the kinks, so there are so provisos and exceptions I have to come up with. But Steven Covey had great success with “7 Habits of Highly Successful People,” which is the book that revitalized the whole self help genre. That sounds better than “the 7 Guidelines of Highly Successful People, with exceptions and provisos. So, I’ll copy him, and call it “the 5 habits,” or “the 5 rules,” or something similarly official sounding. Of course, I’ll use the number 5 instead of 7 because it sounds more conformist (successful mediocrity requires a conformist attitude), and also because I don’t want it to be too obvious that I am trying to milk another Guru’s success.
I guess the fact that I am putting down in writing the fact that I am trying to milk his success makes it kind of obvious, but actually that’s habit number 6 (every once in a while do something that is both mysterious and foolish. The successful people will spend a lot of time trying to figure out if you know something they don’t know, and while they are doing that, you’ll be able to take another coffee break). Habit number 7 is to learn five words that everyone has heard, and feels like they should know, but that nobody knows the definition of. It is a great way to distract people who are about to assign you work. For example, the word “puerile” (childish).
Manager: You should write a report on the most effective way to make decisions.
You: Are you sure? That seems so puerile.
Manager: (hesitating) Maybe you’re right.
You: I’ll get a brainstorming session together, and some you some ideas.
Manager: Okay, take your time. We have to get this right.
Habit number 6 and 7 will be in the follow up book. I could have put them in the first book, but then I would have to brainstorm more ideas for the sequel.
Still not convinced you should try to be mediocre? You’ve simply spent too much time in the self help section. If you have read enough of those books, you are probably saying to yourself something like: Nobody remembers the second man to walk on the moon. Nobody knows who the second best cellist in the world is.
After reading my book, of course, you’ll know how to respond to those expressions. For example:
So everyone knows the name Yo Yo Ma, but now he has to hire a publicist, and a personal assistant, and if he ever hits a wrong note in a concert, they’ll never let him live it down. The second best cellist in the world is sitting back in some symphony, getting paid to play music (which overachievers spend energy learning to do as a hobby… fools!), and not having to worry if someone will recognize him if he calls in sick and goes golfing. Would you like a donut?
How to Kind of Succeed
Posted by admin on 8/18/09 • Categorized as Commentary, Random
THE 5 HABITS OF SOMEWHAT SUCCESSFULL PEOPLE (or, how to kind of succeed)
My Plan to be the Weird Al Yankovic of Motivational Speakers
I have nearly all the skills needed to be a successful motivational speaker. I could be a great sports broadcaster, too, except for one fatal flaw, which is that I don’t have a full head of hair. Also, I don’t follow sports very closely, but that doesn’t really matter too much as long as I can read the teleprompter. The real issue is the lack of hair. So the next best thing from being a sports broadcaster is to be a motivational speaker. If I really went for it, I could repackage Benjamin Franklin’s ideas and be the best motivational speaker since Benjamin Franklin.
On the other hand, I do need to find my own style. If I’m going to be a motivational speaker, I should find my own niche, based on what I do better than other people. Benjamin Franklin already cornered the market on overachieving. That is why I am considering writing a book on how to kind of succeed.
It all came to me last weekend when I was hanging out in the book store. I was in the self help section (just out of curiosity, of course. Not because I needed it), and I of course realized that were there lots of books that tell you how to help yourself. But I also realized there are books in the business section that basically say exactly the same thing, except that the theme of those books is to tell you how to be a success in the office.
In both cases – self help and business success – They all tell you how to be the best, how to conquer all obstacles, and how to reach your full potential. They are quite clever, with suggestions like “try to get to work on time,” or “compliment people who do things really well.” Still, even though there are two entire sections on how to be the best, there’s not much on how to be mediocre. And that’s when it hit me. The world needs a book that explains how to kind of succeed.
What if you don’t want to be number one, but would much prefer, for example, number three? Three is pretty good, unless there are only three people in the race. But even then, it still sounds good. You just change the subject whenever someone asks how many people were in the race. Then, when they are sufficiently distracted, bring it back to the bronze metal you got. Like this:
You: I got third place in that race.
Them: That’s pretty good, I guess. But how many people were in the race?
You: Hey, did you notice that rhymes? “Third place in that race.”
Them: Um…
You: Clever, right? You see, “race” rhymes with “place.”
Them: Yes, I know.
You: So check out my bronze metal. Should I wear it around my neck, or is that too
flashy? Michael Phelps is a wimp.
So the idea of the book is that plenty of people who hang out at the bookstore reading self help books know how to be the best, or CEO, or top of the heap, or king of the hill, or whatever. But the reason that there aren’t more CEO’s in the world is that, when you get down to it, most people don’t want to be the CEO. Most people actually just want to be happy the majority of the time. And, except for the control freaks, the best way to be happy is to not be famous or in charge of anything. Of course, people won’t admit it, which is why all the best selling self help books and leadership books have titles like “ten ways to get ahead,” or “How to unlock your true potential.” But I think there is a whole different niche out there of people hungry to only kind of succeed.
Sure, if you suddenly appear in the midst of a coffee break of people doing their best not to be noticed, and ask them, “what do you want in life,” they will respond that they are trying to get a promotion or a raise or they want more people to manage or a bigger project to bring to fruition (by the way, that is a great way to convince your boss to extend his deadline. Tell him you need a few more days to bring it to fruition. Sounds much better than “I’ve been on Facebook all day, so there’s no way I can meet that deadline).
But people who are really good at being mediocre know two laws of nature that the rest of us don’t know about: 1) people who earn the biggest salaries are the first to get laid off when there is a budget crisis and 2) the more people you manage, the less likely you are to be invited to happy hour.
The fact is that staying ahead of the pack takes a lot of time and energy. It stresses you out, man! But being a part of the pack? For most people, that is happiness. I’ve got a huge potential market. So here are the five habits.
1. Don’t be the first in the office. Let others turn on the lights and make the coffee
2. Be the first to give an idea during brainstorming. The first idea always gets shot down, so you don’t have to follow through on it, but you get credit for participating. A corollary is that if you are told to do a project, suggest a brainstorming session as the first step.
3. Always know who prefers bagels and who prefers donuts.
4. Get a job with a company that is the right size. It should be a big company, but not too big. If the company is too small, everyone will know who is doing the least work (hopefully you). If the company is too large, there will be a lot of consultants who will sniff you out.
5. Don’t work for the government. The competition to be mediocre is too fierce.
I admit these are more like guidelines. Plus, I’m still working out the kinks, so there are so provisos and exceptions I have to come up with. But Steven Covey had great success with “7 Habits of Highly Successful People,” which is the book that revitalized the whole self help genre. That sounds better than “the 7 Guidelines of Highly Successful People, with exceptions and provisos. So, I’ll copy him, and call it “the 5 habits,” or “the 5 rules,” or something similarly official sounding. Of course, I’ll use the number 5 instead of 7 because it sounds more conformist (successful mediocrity requires a conformist attitude), and also because I don’t want it to be too obvious that I am trying to milk another Guru’s success.
I guess the fact that I am putting down in writing the fact that I am trying to milk his success makes it kind of obvious, but actually that’s habit number 6 (every once in a while do something that is both mysterious and foolish. The successful people will spend a lot of time trying to figure out if you know something they don’t know, and while they are doing that, you’ll be able to take another coffee break). Habit number 7 is to learn five words that everyone has heard, and feels like they should know, but that nobody knows the definition of. It is a great way to distract people who are about to assign you work. For example, the word “puerile” (childish).
Manager: You should write a report on the most effective way to make decisions.
You: Are you sure? That seems so puerile.
Manager: (hesitating) Maybe you’re right.
You: I’ll get a brainstorming session together, and some you some ideas.
Manager: Okay, take your time. We have to get this right.
Habit number 6 and 7 will be in the follow up book. I could have put them in the first book, but then I would have to brainstorm more ideas for the sequel.
Still not convinced you should try to be mediocre? You’ve simply spent too much time in the self help section. If you have read enough of those books, you are probably saying to yourself something like: Nobody remembers the second man to walk on the moon. Nobody knows who the second best cellist in the world is.
After reading my book, of course, you’ll know how to respond to those expressions. For example:
So everyone knows the name Yo Yo Ma, but now he has to hire a publicist, and a personal assistant, and if he ever hits a wrong note in a concert, they’ll never let him live it down. The second best cellist in the world is sitting back in some symphony, getting paid to play music (which overachievers spend energy learning to do as a hobby… fools!), and not having to worry if someone will recognize him if he calls in sick and goes golfing. Would you like a donut?